why i cry when i watch transformers 2...

it's not what you think...i actually love the sequel! i will probably love the next one, too! it's the signifigance of a reconstructed life (mine) and how Optimus Prime embodies change that brings the tears. I tried to explain it out loud a couple of times this week. Once to MDH, who knows I will rave and rant about anything that inspires me to tears and does a commendable job at following or attempting to follow said rants. I think mostly he nods yes and smiles at me so i think he's listening and possibly understanding. Then, I shared with some of fellow work friends. They all seem to be laughing on the outside of the joke that isn't a joke. Every once in awhile, i think LQ gets it, but I know I don't make sense to them.

The rant went something like this...Optimus makes this speech about our worlds working together blaha blah blah but really I hear we can make a difference, we can change things and what if small handfuls of people start small by cutting up there credit cards and stop relying on loans and credit and start building our own small worlds where bartering is acceptable and we trade for what we need. you need your house painted, we need veggies from your garden, instead of putting money out there, we trade and exchange. Soon, you have what you need and i stop wanting for things that aren't neccesary..it makes more sens e in my head, i guess....

i wanna fly like..

COLTON HARRIS-MOORE!!

I don't even like flying in a commercial airplane, i feel like i have relinquished all control to some guy who may or may not have had too many cocktails at the airport bar. it's like getting into a large cab with hundreds of other people. i suspect it's similar to why i don't like movie theaters.

however, i did like the thrill of my first airplane ride in a small 12 passenger plane! it was terrifying in all the right ways for me! the fear was not of the flying, it was of the unknown. and i could see the pilot- he was sitting right in front of me. i am pretty sure he hadn't had a single cocktail that morning.

i wanna fly like colton. not the up in the air kind, the i went off the grid and exist only for my destined purposes flying! outlaw or criminal or folkhero, this kid is doing what he wants after being shat on by our world. every delusion is evident in his story. the mom who didn't raise him being interviewed, the friends who he left behind, but mostly a kid who , like most of us, is doing the best he can do with what he's been given. GO COLTON!

today, we dance!

yesterday...

my pals at work played this song over n over n over n over....

and at first, i rolled my eyes. by the 5th time it played, i remembered that i like the blackeyed peas. i like the simpleness,

the catchiness, the way it makes me wanna jump up n down n bust out some bad ass dance moves. it's the perfect song when you don't

want to think, just dance. and then i went in the backroom and madonna's first album was playing. I felt the dejavu of dancing around

my room, getting ready to go to dance clubs with happy, dancing girls n boys...then i watched this video and got that feeling again.

I like that feeling! thank God for pop music!

thank you God

You have provided all I ever needed. You know my heart and each of its desires. You see through me into me and think I am good enough to live inside. You fill my ears with beautiful songs, you whisper the truth you want me to see. thank you for loving me just as I am, for believing in me!

inspiration

this morning...

..i have no voice. it started as a slow burn 4 days ago, then it buried itself deep in my chest and festered there, until this morning, where it feels like a deep chest slow burn that Ripley couldn't rip out. Hence, I got to take a break from the drone of working for a large, corporate coffee chain and stay home today. problem is, I have no voice...my 3 year old daughter can't hear me, the dogs can't hear me and ironically?, the only thing that calms the burning beast is more burning, so i light a cigarette and drink some coffee. i know both of these things can't be good for my chest or throat, but without sufficient cause to stop, i will probably do both of these things every morning until i die.

the problematics of no voice are not that hard to deal with, unless you are a singer. then it gets tricky. i hope this will go away by tomorrow night- practice night. we couldn't practice last night due to current conditions in my throat. and last week, the same conditions existed in the head and sinuses of matt. i say practice, but what i really mean is play. and what i mean by play is live! there is something about the small room we rent filled with different musical apparatus that lends itself to my life...that lets me release all the hold downs, all the parental responsibilities thru the week...it makes up for all the dishes washed, all the sweeping and mopping, all of the menu thinking and preparing, the frantic pickups and dropoffs, the decisions, oh, the decisions! when i stand in that little room or drape across a chair, waiting for the playback or the hunched over sketchbook writing, mostly the sharing...it's like all the little locomotives of life are pushed along by this one big engine, reminding me of Gordon, the Big Blue Engine who gets many a small engine out of trouble on the Island of Sodor. Yes, it's a children's book reference...I have read them all many times.

For a time now, a common subject at the dinner table has been the Zombie Revolution. The topic ranges from survival to detailed ways in the bloodshed of Zombies. This can be accredited to a handful of games that Will is currently obsessed with along with the combo of getting "zombieland" in his Easter basket and the occurance on Easter morning of Jesus raised from the dead. It can be entertaining and almost educational with the way Will instructs all of us, but it has also got me thinking...how prepared am i for the Zombie Revolution? Would I survive longer than my 9 year old son? Do we have enough axes? We don't even own a shotgun! Who would we trust? It truly raises a lot of questions...Will already has a list of rules for himself. I wonder if i, too, should have a list? Would my list resemble Columbus' list in "zombieland"? Obviously, mine would have to be a little different if my whole family is to survive as well. MDH and i will probably have to compromise on some of the rules. I hate to compromise, but I'm getting the hang of it.

Anyway...I am off work today with no voice, so I have a lot of time to think about it. Advil cold & sinus has a fair amount of psuedoephedrine in it, so i know there will not be sleeping involved. Maybe I'll come up with my list. I might just play Lydia and be happy. it seems like a good day to sew, too.