Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My Earthly Father

I am troubled by many things, earthly things, when I am not trusting and relying on God. Now, don't get me wrong, even when my faith is strong and I know in my heart that God will work it all out, one way or another, I can still think about the bothersome world around me. The difference is that I am not pushing my will around like a steam roller, flattening everything in my path to get my way. I understand that I do not always see the big picture.

I have spent a bit of time with my relatives and it can be truly painful. I watch the squabble and self-induced drama. I stand back, glad to be able to keep a safe distance from it all. Then, I go home and I am so thankful for my family that isn't like that.

This week, I have gotten to sit at my dad's bedside while he is in the hospital. For many years, my dad and I did not see eye to eye, mostly because my dad wasn't taking opiates and I was. It is very hard to see eye to eye with anyone when you are high and they are not. This caused me to believe my father doesn't love me very much. It turns out we didn't really know each other very well. (the same can be said about my relationship with my other Father, the heavenly one, but I wanna talk about my dad right now. ) In a room alone, the two of us, talking and laughing, we learned some things about each other. I know where I get my dry and often dark sense of humor from. I know I am intense because he is. There are so many things about his life I want to know. Watching him struggle shows me time is precious. The life changes I have been given have lead me straight here- I cannot ignore the constraints of time and human bodies. I will make the drive to spend time with the ones I love. It shouldn't take a catastrophe to bring me to it. Just sometimes it does.

I could now go into a big tirade about the oil spill and how it changes things, but that would just be too much for one day. Besides, I wanna have something to talk to my dad about tonight!

1 Kings 19:11-13, "The LORD said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by. Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.
After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'" (NIV)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

kid love

I could hear the small child-like voice singing on the other side of the door, the same song "butterfly, butterfly something, something fly". I couldn't make out two of the words, but the song repeated every 30 seconds, right outside my front door.

"butterfly, butterfly, fly through the sky"

I opened the door, expecting a person and there was my daughters new bike. Someone had put batteries in it while I was out and had turned it into a singing bike! I smiled at the little pink bike, a little rough around the edges and as Hannah put it "a tricycle, for liitle babies, not for big girls" but when we tried to take it back, she changed her tune.

See, the bike was brought home for Hannah by her brother after a long two week stay at his relatives in Kentucky. His Grandmother had given it to him for her and I like to imagine how Will & MeMe came to the conclusion that he would be bringing this singing bike home for his little sister here in Ohio. I am proud that he was thinking of her while he was away. We don't always talk about how he feels when he is away, but the actions say more than we can anyway.

For Hannah, it was easy to hug her big brother and tell him she missed him. She's 3 and has a knack for those kinds of things. The bike was a 9 year old boys way of saying "I missed you, too. And I love you." What he said out loud was "Here, let me show you how this thing works, it's really cool!"

Psalm 27:13, "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

smells like...victory

Galatians 5:14, "The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

I stayed up late last night working on a painting. It has some pretty intense details and the small version I worked on took quite a bit of I know this one will be a long haul painting. It's good for me because I do not think about myself when I am painting.I do, however, have the tendency to think of myself immediately when I wake up. I go into "it's not fair" mode, like a small child, usually lasting through my first 2 cups of coffee and a smoke. So, I have been trying to change that by doing devotionals as soon as I get up. And writing here, too. Sometimes, I think why am I bothering? Then I have to remind myself I am selfish and fearful and I need to rid myself of that thinking first thing in the morning if today is gonna be the greatest day ever...

with Spongebob Squarepants enthusiasm, I sing his little song to myself..."cos it's the BEST DAY EVER!!" do do da do do da do do da do...

I shouldn't watch the news, it turns my head into a mixing bowl of nice and mean. I then think of all the ways I would change the world. AND THEN...I spend some time looking at earth houses and reading about Ron Paul online. With small bits of info, I will twist all of that up in my head and what comes out usually doesn't make much sense. It is goobledy gook in it's purest form. If I get pulled over, they would find a rolling gobbledy gook lab in my car. "It's a good thing we caught her when we did because this is pure form gobbledy gook and she was headed to work to share it with her co-workers." Gobbledy gook stinks. It tastes like Hubert Cumberdale, soot and poo.

Instead, I will share love with everyone I meet today. It is my duty to smile and be nice, to hand out coffee with paint stained hands and not talk about the gulf oil spill or the horrible weather. I could say "You are a child of the Father and he loves you, so I love you." but the Bucks won't let you say all of that. They cannot stop me from thinking that, only I can. My will is not mine, I do not direct it. My name will never roll at the end of the credits of my life and say I wrote, produced , edited or directed. It will say I was in the movie, just not the star of the show.

Friday, June 18, 2010

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

My fascination with all things airplane has surprised me. Two engine small planes fly over my house daily. At almost anytime , I can look up into the sky and see one, an advantage of living very close to a small airfield. I dream of flying in one, learning to pilot one, maybe even owning one someday. I can feel the wing brush close as I step under it, I can feel a hot breeze as I open the door and I can see the dash with all of it's dials and doohickeys. I close my eyes and picture myself swinging a small backpack into the seat and climbing up into the plane. I am seeing myself pilot.

It's a vivid fantasy! Almost as if I just woke up to it, even though it's always been here inside.

When I tell MDH about this dream, he smirks a little. "How are you going to fly a plane without any valium?"
It's a valid question. THe last plane ride I took, I was so terrified, so full of "anxiety", I had to be heavily medicated. The fear of someone else being in control had me spinning. The fear I had attributed to flying in a large commercial plane was not true fear of flying, it was just easier to manifest it that way, It would take years for me to discover that the fear was bigger than that, the fear had been growing inside of me for so long and I had nurtured it and let it grow. It became a fear of anything outside of my comfort zone where heavy medication was my co-pilot. I could not enjoy anything while that fear was guiding me. While I relied on humans, my fear would continue to keep me from happiness.

Today, I lay on a beach towel and watch the planes. I drive by the airport where the hand-painted sign reads "Learn to Fly". I remember the book "Illusions The Adventure of a Reluctant Messiah" by Richard Bach.

"In the cloud-washed airspace between the cornfields of Illinois and blue infinity, a man puts his faith in the propeller of his biplane. For disillusioned writer and itinerant barnstormer Richard Bach, belief is as real as a full tank of gas and sparks firing in the cylinders...until he meets Donald Shimoda--former mechanic and self-described messiah who can make wrenches fly and Richard's imagination soar....In Illusions, the unforgettable follow-up to his phenomenal bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach takes to the air to discover the ageless truths that give our souls wings: that people don't need airplanes to soar...that even the darkest clouds have meaning once we lift ourselves above them... and that messiahs can be found in the unlikeliest places--like hay fields, one-traffic-light midwestern towns, and most of all, deep within ourselves."

It's a possibility that reading this book while I was in rehab for the 6th time, a long-term, lock yourself away kind of place, that this dream was brought out of subconscious hibernation and has been fueled for the past three years with my own spiritual growth. I feel like I am flying! I am already in the plane, letting God be my co-pilot. And everyone knows the co-pilot is really the one in control. I am like a little kid with the pretend steering wheel in the car seat behind her Father, pretending to drive, but when I take my hands off the wheel, the vessel steers, driven by the Father and I go exactly where he wants me to go. I quit trying to direct and control and I have learned to fly. The fear is gone!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

you are the light of the world

Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (NIV)

"There is a light and it never goes out..."-the Smiths

Yesterday, I talked to a good friend who's father passed away. Her mom had passed when she was very young and she is still young. I can't remember what it is called, maybe sitting with someone who's had a family member pass, it is a term that escapes me. Still, I went to sit with her and talk about her dad. I really like her dad, he is funny and tells grand stories. Or he smokes a lot and listens to us.

Then a friend I have had since I can remember called to talk about her partner who can't stop drinking. She wanted to know what to do. She has waited 4 long years as he drinks himself to oblivion night by night. She is afraid of losing him, afraid of enabling him and afraid for their future.

A family member on MDH's side is suffering through the same ordeal, only her struggle has lasted a lifetime. Her husband goes to the psych ward and jail regularly. She can't live in the same house with him. He drinks vodka all day long. She wishes he would just smoke pot because the vodka makes him mean.

In the past, I would not have been available to these friends. I would have been on my way to oblivion by any means neccessary. Today, I can share experience, strength and hope with each of the women in my life. I also have grand stories. My experience shows me that God has laid out a beautiful path for me. Each struggle is a learning opportunity. I talked to my mom who was struggling with family drama and gossip and she is a light that never goes out- she said these are all little tests for me to show love and learn God's lessons. I, too, am a light. A beacon in a stormy world! I must get up in the morning and let my light shine so when the opportunities come, I can lean on God and let others know they can, too. I do not have to be a fanatic or evangelical. If I Trust & Rely on God, that will always be enough. He will do the rest.

Monday, June 14, 2010

the desires of my heart

My words are great swords, lashing and tearing. I wield them in hurtful ways, bitterness and suspicion, jealousy and resentment. I am a beastly girl, my heart full of soot. you are the enemy, you are in the way. my heavy boots trudge...

my words are great swords, powerful and protective. I lift you up with songs from my heart, love and patience, kindness and tolerance. I am a beautiful girl, my heart full of joy. you are my friend, you i love deeply. my dancing shoes carry me, floating, handholding....

Sunday, June 13, 2010

writing makes the heart beat

I found this quite by accident, but I was so intrigued by her 30 days of writing that it prompted me to start writing, too. Now, I wanna share it, scream it from rooftops.... tag/words/

also, a book by Denis Johnson "Jesus' Son" passed on to me from my dear pal, Steve. I could not put it down and the stories dance in my head still. I think I may have even retained what I least for a couple of days. I have fried brains.

true love ways

Psalm 36:5, "Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies." (NIV)

I have been waking up each morning with some grouchiness. I am a hard sleeper and I don't like to wake up early even though I do everyday. One of my favorite things to do is wake up to coffee and a smoke on my back deck. I stare at our swimming pool and wish i was doing laps. I have never gotten up early and just dove in. This is the summer that all of my hearts desires are met- this is the summer of love- this is the summer that God has given me to do all of the things I have ever dreamed of doing!!

This doesn't mean I will go on wild shopping sprees or buy expensive is a bigger treasure than money can buy! It is a cry to create and do, not just sit on my laurels in a chair all day making lists of what I want to do and then watching TV. God has called me to action! He says if I want to dive in the pool in the morning, then I should dive in the pool in the morning. I should not look first for floating spiders, I should just stand on the board, check my form and then raise my arms high above my head and dive! deep into the cool water, it's what i long for. a cool and deep living water...

Oh, and how!