Friday, June 18, 2010
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:11-13).
My fascination with all things airplane has surprised me. Two engine small planes fly over my house daily. At almost anytime , I can look up into the sky and see one, an advantage of living very close to a small airfield. I dream of flying in one, learning to pilot one, maybe even owning one someday. I can feel the wing brush close as I step under it, I can feel a hot breeze as I open the door and I can see the dash with all of it's dials and doohickeys. I close my eyes and picture myself swinging a small backpack into the seat and climbing up into the plane. I am seeing myself pilot.
It's a vivid fantasy! Almost as if I just woke up to it, even though it's always been here inside.
When I tell MDH about this dream, he smirks a little. "How are you going to fly a plane without any valium?"
It's a valid question. THe last plane ride I took, I was so terrified, so full of "anxiety", I had to be heavily medicated. The fear of someone else being in control had me spinning. The fear I had attributed to flying in a large commercial plane was not true fear of flying, it was just easier to manifest it that way, It would take years for me to discover that the fear was bigger than that, the fear had been growing inside of me for so long and I had nurtured it and let it grow. It became a fear of anything outside of my comfort zone where heavy medication was my co-pilot. I could not enjoy anything while that fear was guiding me. While I relied on humans, my fear would continue to keep me from happiness.
Today, I lay on a beach towel and watch the planes. I drive by the airport where the hand-painted sign reads "Learn to Fly". I remember the book "Illusions The Adventure of a Reluctant Messiah" by Richard Bach.
"In the cloud-washed airspace between the cornfields of Illinois and blue infinity, a man puts his faith in the propeller of his biplane. For disillusioned writer and itinerant barnstormer Richard Bach, belief is as real as a full tank of gas and sparks firing in the cylinders...until he meets Donald Shimoda--former mechanic and self-described messiah who can make wrenches fly and Richard's imagination soar....In Illusions, the unforgettable follow-up to his phenomenal bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach takes to the air to discover the ageless truths that give our souls wings: that people don't need airplanes to soar...that even the darkest clouds have meaning once we lift ourselves above them... and that messiahs can be found in the unlikeliest places--like hay fields, one-traffic-light midwestern towns, and most of all, deep within ourselves."
It's a possibility that reading this book while I was in rehab for the 6th time, a long-term, lock yourself away kind of place, that this dream was brought out of subconscious hibernation and has been fueled for the past three years with my own spiritual growth. I feel like I am flying! I am already in the plane, letting God be my co-pilot. And everyone knows the co-pilot is really the one in control. I am like a little kid with the pretend steering wheel in the car seat behind her Father, pretending to drive, but when I take my hands off the wheel, the vessel steers, driven by the Father and I go exactly where he wants me to go. I quit trying to direct and control and I have learned to fly. The fear is gone!