Thursday, March 24, 2011

a grand reflection

How I view the world is a direct reflection of how I view myself. On a smaller , less grand scale, how I see you is how I see me. When I am frustrated by you, it isn't you at all, but me. On my nerves, your voice, outer shell, inner turmoil, flip flops, shorts in the winter, beehive hairdos, silver lame, too pointy, too flat, too long, too fat, overbearing, tasteless, loud, inappropriate, too dramatic, unforgiving, addicted, bland, unable, lazy, messy, you bother me. I bother me.

I complain and the words say your name, I snap and you get the anger built up from years of fear and doubt, how can this be about you when I have only just met you? It clearly isn't. I get unhappy with me and take it out on the world. My gossip mouth, my rage driving, my mall unrest, my call in sick in the morning, my didn't have time for breakfast, my too much coffee, not enough water, my you are better than me, my "i wish i had (insert your stuff here)", my list of what it takes to be ok, my fear, my internal lie.

A little white lie I whisper to will never be good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, funny enough, stylish enough. Look at magazines, consume, buy, longing for the perfect dress, the perfect boots, the perfect hair, the prefect perfect. There is no perfect I can purchase and nothing worth longing for that I don't already have. My distraction is my inner voice, full of disdain and dishonesty. I dismiss myself, easily.

I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

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