Friday, September 16, 2011

Spending my days sewing and part time baristaing and my nights with my family have renewed my outlook on life. I wanna tell you guys about what has happened to me as of late. In April, as you may know, the world lost a great person. The circumstances are violent and ugly, the outcome for those responsible has been disappointing at best. Since that morning standing in my kitchen with the realization that not only would I never see Bones' smiling face again, never see him walking Shady, never hear an adventure story or get a bear hug that lifts me off the ground, his family may never know what a great man their son and brother turned out to be. The latter part of that has proved immensely untrue- not only have his friends made sure his family knew, we spread the word to anyone who will listen. Bones was a great friend to everyone he has ever met....

A shift in my world, like a tear in space time continuum, seeing not only the world for exactly what it is, but for what it can be. To me. To my children. To everyone, really. My time became more valuable in the weeks following Bones' death. My art, more vibrant. The trees sway, a miracle. My little kitty greeting me home gave me hope. Silly? I think it may seem so, but my opinion and your opinion and all of the judgement and condescension and negative cynicism that wanted to rear it's ugly head was slowly fading for me. On the contrary to how I thought I would feel, I may have gotten "softer"- instead of protesting the good feelings, I let them wash over me. I let the sunshine in, I felt my anger subside to strong tears that tasted like love. It felt good to grieve and also, be happy. My life, however long or short it may turn out to be, is just that- mine. I can spend it sad and angry, judging you and yours. I mean, there have been these opinions of people I have had for a long time- you know those people I thought were jerks or snobby or didn't like me or that I didn't like. Through all of this I have learned that we are grown ups and most of us to some degree or another behave as such. Also, people are forgiving, myself included. I have to humble myself and let people be how they are and think what they want. I am caring and loving now, but that was not always the way I behaved, so the same can be said for others. People change and grow and become great!

I guess when the end does come, all I will be left with is the truth about my life and the choices I have made. I want to feel good about that. So, today, I will be as kind as I can to everyone and give what I can and not try to hog up resources everyone needs. I will treat my family the way I want to be treated and I might even treat the checkout girl at Target that way, too, even if I don't feel like it. Maybe her friend got murdered in Northside, too. I will do my best not to take advantage of the Earth (I'm still gonna flush after #2, though..) and if it starts with just the few, it may spread to the many. From all of the people I have met who knew Bones, who have been there to represent on his behalf, complete strangers with empathy for his story, his lovely sister, the others we know he's with now, the constant in all of this is Bones didn't judge, he didn't befriend you cause you were the cool kid or what you could do for him, he was just kind. Right from the start, he was kind. If he can be kind, so can I.
Romans 12:2a, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (NIV)

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